Do you ever have one of those weeks where you check your camera roll and notice you haven't documented much? It surprised me to see how few photos I took this past week considering all that went on but then I realized, "oh yeah, I was just living the moment" and then I don't feel so bad or that I missed out because those moments are now engrained in me.
I took Tyler to see Inside Out which I heard really good things about but I did not expect how deeply I would feel about this movie. It's so touching and heartwarming and just….everything. It brought me back to when I was that age going through countless moves and then my parents divorce. I could picture these emotions working in my head. I actually cried. I don't cry…not easily at least but I did shed a few tears towards the end. Tyler enjoyed it too of course, especially the dramatic, "oh no!" parts.
What I loved most was the family dynamic. The main character was an only child and it was never about missing out on having a brother or sister. They enjoyed each other as 3 person family.
This has been a bit of an issue around here this past year. I struggled with the guilt I felt for Tyler being an only child. Although he's never outright said he wanted a sibling, there were moments when I felt he could use the company of one.
As much as I do for him, this is one thing I can't just make happen and I have to stop being so hard on myself about it. It's not just physically not being able to conceive but mentally. I asked myself if I wanted a child, for me…not us. Not just for Tyler and at this point in my life, the answer is no. I don't. If I got pregnant, I wouldn't be disappointed but I don't want to try. I'm happy with our life as 3. I'm happy to devote most of my attention and love to him and us as a family. I'm happy with my current schedule and that I can work from home, doing not only what I love but what I'm good at. And maybe that's just selfish for me to think that a second child would take that time away and if it is, well then…I'm selfish. I'm no longer going to allow the guilt I put myself through this past year.
I do often wish Tyler was a twin. Having them the same or close in age would have been ideal but it wasn't our reality. It wasn't our future and that's ok because right now is so good and I know the future will be even better.
This brings me to goal #18. I will no longer feel guilty about what I want and don't want or what I have. There's no point and it doesn't do anything for me or us but cause negative feelings and animosity, two feelings I'm so over at this point in my life.
This post really took a different direction than what I had planned and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted this out there but with these real life posts about infertility, family dynamics and goals, I want this to reach those who can relate. It's about connecting, no? Not about judgement or comparison.
On another note, this weekend will be about catching up. On laundry, Project Life (I'm so behind!) and a long overdue shop update. I'm curious about those who are behind on Project Life. What are your tips for getting caught up, FAST. I'd love to hear them.
Enjoy the weekend to the fullest friends,